Adoption ReImagined Excerpt: Chapter 4 Brain Health (Part 1)

My goal in this chapter is to explain what might have contributed to shaping your brain’s pathways and give you strategies to repair the broken pathway between the automatic systems in your brain and the logical, thinking part that helps you respond appropriately to drama, stress and disrespect others exhibit. I want to give you coping skills that make the ‘jump’ from involuntary reactions to intentional actions that are shorter in duration and less intense.

The human brain is so much more complex than a computer because we can pull from the past while living in the present and it affects our future. That is why being content and settled is so hard, we can’t put aside those bad experiences in the past. They affect our thinking, our actions and reactions.

Adoption is one of those circumstances that can lead to so many feelings and questions. Many times, even the answers and facts can’t satisfy because they cannot erase the previous feelings and long held beliefs. Logic from our neocortex does not help override the emotions we have created.

I have a very wise friend who deals with several mental illnesses who said, “Prepare your mind in the stable times for the unstable moments. Fill your mind with good things like scripture, music with positive messages, books that encourage and TV shows with wholesome messages. What you put into your mind,” she says, “will come to the forefront in times of panic and mania.” She practices surrounding herself with good people she trusts that understand how to help, encourage and support. She is open and honest with those people. She spends time with them volunteering, eating, shopping and worshiping together.

Reimagine your adoption by saying this below. Write it. Post it on a sticky you can see easily. Take it to heart. If you have learned emotions from your previous experiences, whatever they are, you can also avert them, recreate them and refocus on different ones, too. Try it 30 days!!

Adoption is a fact in my life. Adoption is not a guide. Adoption is not an obstacle. Adoption only has the power I give it.

Adoptee Week: Not Feeling Included

There are so many issues that adoptees deal with. One very common situation for adoptees is feeling left out of their bio family and/or their adoptive family. Maybe this is not a problem you deal with, but many do feel this way and I want to offer a different way to relate. If you have a recommendation for adoptees that has helped you, please put it in the comments.

Relate is the root word in relation. To relate means to have a connection as in a relationship.

When you see pictures on social media of bios or adoptive family together at birthdays, holiday party or other events having fun, is your first reaction to think, "They don't even know I exist."

Issue: You feel like you are not included.

Your mind goes into overdrive thinking about all the ways they are conniving behind your back to leave you out and hurt you. When in reality, they may not have been thinking of you at all. Why? They don't have a strong relationship with you. They may not have invited you on purpose because someone they have known for 20 or 30 years could not handle it emotionally, yet. Their relationships are stronger with people have known longer.

Trap: They are doing this to hurt you.

What do you do?

Number One: Don’t get offended. You don’t know the motives for situations. You have not been there during conversations about YOU. I've heard adoptees say they were handed to strangers. It only makes sense that when you do not know someone for decades, they are strangers, also. Now, bio think the adoptee is a stranger. It takes time to build trust. It takes memories. It takes time and many times to build a relationship that is comfortable being inclusive. And it takes longer when more people are involved. Don't get offended.

Number Two: Many people are selfish. Many people don't like change. When family seems comfortable, many people don't want to add another person to mess up the dynamic. Have you had this happen when a family member gets a boyfriend or girlfriend and they start coming to family events? Some people will never be okay with you, but being overbearing makes you seem pushy and possessive. Be OK with it. Maybe it’s not the right time. People are selfish...don't be that person.

Number Three: Take the initiative. You be the one to text, send cards, invite on outings and get together even if it is when you are driving through town. I realize this is harder when they live far away, but there are ways to connect. Be the one who is kind and thinks of others. It will finally pay off and be seen as caring.

Number Four: What are you going to do when it doesn't work? This step is so important. Decide beforehand what you will do when you see the social media pictures and you were not invited. Decide how much of it you will allow to affect you. I've heard of people setting a timer or time limit. They say, "I will think about this for an hour or until tomorrow at 9am and then I will let it go." If you really think about it, they are not thinking about you anyway so you are only hurting yourself.

Reality: Taking a different approach can change the whole relationship.

I know a person who sits in the shadows, does not interact, gets upset because she is not included and does not accept invitations when she is invited. Once, she wrote a long post about not being included, no one talking to her and not being invited to anything. I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish, but many were really confused because they had tried to do all those things. Her reality did not match the situation. It is important to try and see things as they are and decide what part you have in it and what you can control and what you can't.

When there is an absence of relationship, an absence of time spent, an absence of memories made, there will be an absence of inclusion. Taking the initiative, over and over and being patient can change a relationship in time.

What are some ways you have been included or been inclusive that would help other adoptees on their life's journey?

Adoption ReImagined: Adoptee Week

Being adopted can be lonely and frustrating at times. There will always be situations and feelings to navigate. I am an adoptee and I want to use my experience over the past half century to help other adoptees. I am inclusive and want to help adoptive moms and birth mothers, too. So, the first Thursday of the month is reserved for Adoptees and the issues we face. Adoptive moms and birth mothers get their week, also. The last Thursday is for Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) from the month.

Many adoptee problems center around broken relationships with others, self and God. Those are the topics I want us to consider. When those 3 parts are addressed, the whole is much healthier.

Adoption Reimagined will help you do just that: re-imagine what it would be like to have good relationships, mended relationships or peaceful with no relationship. I can provide strategies that have worked for me to build relationships and what to do when those strategies don't work.

As a Certified Life Coach and Mental Health Coach, I will help you plan to build and/or rebuild relationships and most important, help you apply and execute your plan.

So many woman need mentors to keep them on track and approaching their goal. I provide motivation, new perspectives and accountability.

When you realize you have a huge part in your own growth and healing and commit to the work, you will gain confident to initiating contact, build relationships, set boundaries if necessary.

I am not naive. I understand some relationships don't work. I have had to deal with that also and I have strategies to counter those emotions, too so the full weight does not affect your life.

Tired of trying to rebuild relationships on your own? Are you out of ideas and patience? Are the quick tips in books and on-line ideas not helping? Click the link to my website to contact me: www.adoptionreimagined.com , sign up for Adoption Periodicals to show up in your email.

Until next time,

Erin