Adoption ReImagined Excerpt: Chapter 4 Brain Health (Part 1)

My goal in this chapter is to explain what might have contributed to shaping your brain’s pathways and give you strategies to repair the broken pathway between the automatic systems in your brain and the logical, thinking part that helps you respond appropriately to drama, stress and disrespect others exhibit. I want to give you coping skills that make the ‘jump’ from involuntary reactions to intentional actions that are shorter in duration and less intense.

The human brain is so much more complex than a computer because we can pull from the past while living in the present and it affects our future. That is why being content and settled is so hard, we can’t put aside those bad experiences in the past. They affect our thinking, our actions and reactions.

Adoption is one of those circumstances that can lead to so many feelings and questions. Many times, even the answers and facts can’t satisfy because they cannot erase the previous feelings and long held beliefs. Logic from our neocortex does not help override the emotions we have created.

I have a very wise friend who deals with several mental illnesses who said, “Prepare your mind in the stable times for the unstable moments. Fill your mind with good things like scripture, music with positive messages, books that encourage and TV shows with wholesome messages. What you put into your mind,” she says, “will come to the forefront in times of panic and mania.” She practices surrounding herself with good people she trusts that understand how to help, encourage and support. She is open and honest with those people. She spends time with them volunteering, eating, shopping and worshiping together.

Reimagine your adoption by saying this below. Write it. Post it on a sticky you can see easily. Take it to heart. If you have learned emotions from your previous experiences, whatever they are, you can also avert them, recreate them and refocus on different ones, too. Try it 30 days!!

Adoption is a fact in my life. Adoption is not a guide. Adoption is not an obstacle. Adoption only has the power I give it.

Adoption ReImagined Excerpt: Chapter 3 Contentment with the Unknown

Hello! Erin here! As I continue to edit to get closer to publication, I want to share some snapshots of what is to come. Enjoy!

Is your mind is a hamster wheel of over-thinking and endless loops asking What-If? Take your feelings out of the driver seat. Imagine you could reach the end of your adoption issues and be content even when you don’t know the answers to your burning questions. You can do this by turning your What-Ifs into But If Not.

If you never find an answer that satisfies your mind, are you going to stay on the hamster wheel called What-If? How is that working for you so far? I challenge you to change What If to But If Not. Right now is your life. You can’t change one thing in the past. You can’t change variables from your beginning with What-If statements. You cannot change the decisions others made when you were that variable. You can, however, have a whole new attitude if you incorporate But If Not into your thought patterns.

Nothing in the past can guide your future unless you allow it. The past is like an annoying backseat driver in your car questioning your every turn and manipulating your route. You can kick the voice behind you out of the car if you intentionally change the constant stream of What-Ifs that are hurled from the back seat. Tweaking one phrase in your thoughts can change everything because But If Not puts the control back in your hands. What If seems to address what others could have done differently.

However, But If Not focuses on how you react to situations beyond your control. You can do nothing about the What Ifs, but you have all the control if you change your perspective to But If Not.

Practice: 'What if I never....... But if not, I will carry on being who I choose to be."

Pain can be caused by not knowing what you stand for and what you value. Your mind changes scenarios over and over, lamenting on what you could have done differently because your values change, too. The What-Ifs keep you running in circles with the illusion that after the next turn the answer will become clear. Your pain is created in pining over the What-Ifs. However, when you change the focus to But If Not, you are intentionally putting yourself in the driver seat. You decide to deal with what is right in front of you instead of the ghost you can’t see. Knowing what you stand for helps you say, “But even if I never know, I will thrive in life. But even if they don’t accept me, it won’t define me.” This attitude puts the control with you and not with elements of life you have no control over.

Should You Search?

Should the adoptee search for his her biological family?

Should a birth mother search for the child she relinquished?

Should the adoptive parents help facilitate a meeting?

These questions are so very personal for each one in the adoption arena. However, there are some common questions that relate to all three that are good to mull over before jumping into a full blown search for answers.

To start, realize there is no answer that applies to all three in the arena, only the question. Each one will know a different amount of details about their adoption story. Each one deciphers the details differently, thus making one pat answer impossible.

What is right for one is not right for another. No one should not

push their opinion and preference on another. Beliefs are so different among the group.

For example, I had a man tell me I must find my biological father to get medical information, if not for me then for my children. Well, Mr. B, that is not for you to decide, but if you want to search for yours, then I support your decision. Your experience is not my experience. Also, I factor in faith and don't believe that just because my bios have something I am destine to get it too. My faith also says I can handle anything that happens because I tap into the Supernatural peace and healing God supplies. Sometimes healing is done in heaven, not here on earth.

Here are some good questions that apply to all three in the adoption arena if you are thinking about searching. Ask yourself these questions and apply them to your situation. The key is to be confident in your answers so no one can sway you or offend you. It is also important to be confident in who you are before and after the search. Let no information rock your world no matter what you find.

Number One

What is your motive?

What is the end goal you are wanting to accomplish? If you

think finding this person will magically fix your problems, or fill the void you

feel, then you do not have a foundation that cannot be shaken.

Putting that much power and pressure on another person to make you act or feel differently rarely goes well.

Ask yourself: What is the origin of your issues? Is it really adoption or how you think about adoption?

Are you allowing your feelings to control you?

Number Two

If your end goal is to just find medical information and/or ethnicity, you rarely get just that info esp if you take a DNA test. Bios can contact you. I've heard so many times that so many relatives come out of the woodwork they didn't expect.

Are you willing to get all the information-even the information you didn't

expect? Are you willing to deal with people contacting you, you didn't expect?

Number Three

What will you do when you find them or they find you? Many people do not think ahead let alone plan ahead when they find bios or bios find them.

Will you be honest with your family?

Will you talk to them through email, text or phone?

What boundaries will you set?

When do you feel comfortable meeting and who will you take with you?

What will you call/label them? What if they call you something you are not comfortable with, what do you do?

What if they don't invite you to a family party?

How soon do you want to ask the hard questions?

Are you going to get upset if it is too painful for questions to be answered?

How will you handle affection? How will you handle more rejection?

All these questions are rooted in what you stand for and what you believe. The answers will be different for each woman in the adoption arena.

What is detrimental to this process? Having the wrong motives, not preparing for the unexpected and not planning your actions and responses beforehand.

You have to know your stance on the issues. By stance, I mean your attitude towards the whole situation. What standpoint do you have? What is important to you?

If it is to demand your rights, things will not go well. Think about this: What if your birth mother feels her rights are violated when a closed adoption is broken. Relationships don't go well with those motives.

What did I do? I waited on the Lord. I had enough faith to decide before hand how I would feel and act if I found no information. However, I got information

within an hour so I took another step. Then I got another person confirming I should call her. That person didn't even know the situation. So, I took another step. No doors were closed, so I kept going through them until I called my birth mother in Dec of 2009. There were signs over and over to keep pursuing reunion.

I didn't allow anyone to discourage me because I knew God wasn't speaking to them. He was speaking to me.

So, its your turn. Tell me your best advice for deciding to search or not. Do you feel like you went too fast? Did it turn out like you expected? Everyone has a different story.